Two Men in a Closet
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: THIS IS A STICK UP!
Stranger: NOT SO FAST.
You: PUT YOUR FUCKING HANDS UP, YOU WHORE!
Stranger: PUT THE STICK DOWN.
Stranger: DO NOT USE NATURE FOR VIOLENCE.
You: *Points gun*
Stranger: How did you get a gun?
Stranger: You said this was a stick up, hag!
You: DO YOU THINK I CARE?
You: EMPTY OUT THAT CASH REGISTER!
Stranger: I don’t have a cash register.
Stranger: We’re in a closet.
Stranger: Stop pointing that gun at me, there really isn’t enough room in here.
You: …I see…
You: GIVE ME EVERYTHING IN YOUR POCKETS!
Stranger: You told me that we were going to stay here to see if your girlfriend was cheating on you….
Stranger: and now you’re robbing me in this closet?
Stranger: Really great way to treat a friend, bro.
You: Oh shit… I thought you were going out with my girlfriend..
Stranger: I’m gay, dude.
Stranger: You didn’t know that?
Stranger: And while your girlfriend does bear some resemblance to a dude, it’s not THAT great….
You: Not cool.
You: *Points gun again*
Stranger: How many times have I told you that I don’t like it when you shoot me?
Stranger: Every time we get in an argument you pull out that fucking gun…
Stranger: Jesus Christ…
You: Relax, its empty.. I was just going to use it scare the guy that my girlfriend is cheating of me with… See…
You: *Fires into the air*
You: OH SHIT!
Stranger: NOT. AGAIN.
You: THERE IS FUCKING HOLE IN THE ROOF NOW!
Stranger: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO NOT DO THAT.
Stranger: THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK.
You: I THOUGHT IT WAS EMPTY!
Stranger: Not cool, man. Not. Cool.
Stranger: WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING ME HERE?!
You: You see that baseball bat? We run into the bedroom, and kick that guys ass!
You: That is, assuming my girlfriend is actually cheating on me..
You: And don’t hit my girlfriend.
Stranger: Why would I hit your girlfriend?
Stranger: And I feel really uncomfortable this close to you in a closet.
You: You just told me she looks like a guy, make sure to hit the right person…
Stranger: Did you have fish for lunch?
Stranger: OKAY OKAY. I will.
Stranger: Because it reeks of fish in here.
You: Thats strange…
Stranger: Did you fart, bro?
Stranger: NOT COOL.
Stranger: DO NOT HOTBOX ME IN YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S CLOSET.
You: Hey! Whoever smelt it, dealt it!
Stranger: Yeah, right. You know I never fart.
Stranger: I have that….condition.
You: Anyways, how long are we going to have to sit in here?
Stranger: YOU TELL ME.
Stranger: THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA, MAY I REMIND YOU.
You: Well EXCUUUUSE ME!
Stranger: I never wanted to come!
Stranger: You told me there would be cake!
Stranger: I DON’T SEE THE CAKE.
You: The cake is a lie.
Stranger: DAMN YOU.
Stranger: You know what? I’m leaving.
You: You get Creme Brulee!
Stranger: We’ve been in this closet for three hours and you have a gun.
You: Thats right
You: You get Creme Brulee instead of cake..
Stranger: Hmmm…where is it?
You: In the fridge, we’ll get it after we’re done kicking ass…
Stranger: I don’t want to eat your nasty cheating girlfriend’s creme brulee.
Stranger: It’ll give me herpes!
You: Dude… My girlfriend is awesome in the kitchen…
Stranger: But….but….how do I know where that creme brulee has been?
You: Relax…. You’ll be fine…
You: Just wait
You: Fuck, when are they coming home??
Stranger: I don’t know!
Stranger: Maybe they stopped for a quickie in the car….
Stranger: …My leg is asleep.
Stranger: I think you’re standing on my foot.
Stranger: Get off.
You: Thats it, pass me that shotgun…. I’m gonna go Rambo on their asses!
Stranger: NO, damnit
Stranger: If you do that, I’ll get charged as an accomplice to the murder.
Stranger: Do you know what they do to guys like me in prison?
You: Fine… I’ll just wait…
Stranger: Can I go home, now?
Stranger: Seriously….Top Chef is on in half an hour…
You: What time is it?
Stranger: 10 o’clock, dude.
You: She’ll be here soon.
You: I promise
You: *Starts to whistle*
Stranger: Stop it.
Stranger: I hate that.
Stranger: Dude, you’re way too close.
Stranger: Just move…back…a little bit.
Stranger: I HAVE MY NOSTRIL STUCK ON A HANGER
Stranger: AND YOUR ELBOW IS IN MY STOMACH.
Stranger: MOVE, DAMN IT.
You: *Moves to the opposite corner
Stranger: You’re still touching me with your….what is that thing that’s poking me?
You: I’m not touching you..
Stranger: THEN WHAT IS POKING ME?!!
You: Are you sitting on my shotgun?
Stranger: Shut up.
Stranger: Don’t give me that look.
Stranger: Noo what?
Stranger: Are they finally back?
You: I hit my funny bone…
Stranger: Nice one.
Stranger: I HEAR MOVEMENT.
You: SHhh! whisper!
You: Pass me the shotgun…
Stranger: DON’T SHOOT ANYONE.
Stranger: I will take the shotgun, you take the baseball bat.
You: I still have my pistol….
Stranger: DAMN IT.
Stranger: HOW MANY GUNS DO YOU HAVE?
You: DOES IT FUCKING MATTER?
Stranger: YES IT DOES.
You: Ok.. ok… Speak quietly, they might hear us..
Stranger: I WANT TO KNOW IF I’VE BEEN IN A CLOSET WITH A SERIAL KILLER FOR THREE AND A HALF HOURS.
Stranger: I WILL NOT SPEAK QUIETLY.
Stranger: GIVE ME ALL YOUR DAMN GUNS.
You: HERE IS MY FRIGGIN’ PISTOL!
Stranger: THANK YOU.
You: Now pass the baseball bat and get ready…
Stranger: Take it.
Stranger: And don’t kill anyone, please.
You: On 3, open the door slowly…
Stranger: We’re in the wrong house.
Stranger: This isn’t your girlfriend.
Stranger: Hi, random half-naked woman I’ve never met….
You: YOU FUCKING IDIOT, THATS HER!
Stranger: Oh. Really?
Stranger: When did your girlfriend get attractive?
Stranger: Maybe that was the last girlfriend….
Stranger: I dunno.
Stranger: I can never keep them straight.
Stranger: What’s this one’s name, again?
Stranger: Does her mom have it goin on?
You: CAN YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THAT FRIGGIN’ SONG!
Stranger: But….I like that song….
You: No… Your taste in music is crap…
Stranger: YOUR taste in music is crap.
Stranger: Don’t tell me you weren’t whistling Lady GaGa in that closet.
You: I wasn’t… I was whistling… Goodbye Horses.
Stranger: SURE YOU WERE.
You: I was.
Stranger: Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt….
You: … Funny joke…
Stranger: I know.
Stranger: You know…this seems kind of not like the time to be talking about this.
Stranger: You know, what with your girlfriend being in the room and all…
You: Lets go back in the closet?
Stranger: You know, the closet door is made of all KINDS of wood….
You: Now what is that supposed to mean?!!!
Stranger: You said you wanted to go back into the closet!
Stranger: Isn’t that, like…symbolic?
You: I mean’t the real closet. You said you didn’t want to talk about this in front of my girlfriend.
Stranger: Well, she looks awfully confused, now doesn’t she?
You: DON’T LOOK AT MY GIRLFRIEND HALF NAKED, YOU PERV, I DON’T CARE IF YOUR GAY OR NOT!
Stranger: DUDE! I DON’T CARE/
Stranger: I HAVE BEEN SHOVED IN A CLOSET WITH YOU FOR THREE AND A HALF HOURS.
Stranger: I WILL LOOK AT WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO LOOK AT.
Stranger: OH, AND SHE WASN’T CHEATING, ANYWAY.
Stranger: FANCY. THAT.
You: CAN I SEE THAT GUN?
Stranger: You’re going to shoot me, aren’t you?
Stranger: DAMN IT.
You: THAN TURN THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND!
Stranger: NOT AGAIN.
Stranger: WHY DOES IT MATTER?!
You: SHES MY GIRLFRIEND!!!
Stranger: I DON’T LIKE GIRLS.
You: HOW DO I KNOW YOUR NOT MAKING THAT UP? JUST AN EXCUSE TO LOOK AT HALF NAKED GIRLS..
Stranger: I ca
Stranger: *can’t believe you!
Stranger: I don’t want to look at your girlfriend who is named after a Fountains of Wayne song.
Stranger: I’m leaving.
Stranger: AND I’M TAKING MY CAKE.
Stranger: Thank you for wasting my night.
You: THERE IS NO FUCKING CAKE!
Stranger: FUCK YOU.
You: Leave than, see if I care
Stranger: I WILL.
You: I have my girlfriend half naked on a bed!
Stranger: I’m going home and I’m going to eat all the rest of the ice cream.
You: I’M GOING TO MAKE LOVE, HA!
Stranger: I COULD DO THAT, TOO.
You: With your right hand…
Stranger: Actually, I’m left handed.
You: I really care!
Stranger: Yeah, you obviously do.
Stranger: DAMN IT.
You: Damn what??
Stranger: DAMN ALL OF IT.
Stranger: I’M GOING TO GO HOME AND WATCH AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE.
Stranger: SO THERE.
You: Fine, I’m going to make sweet love…
Stranger: Not so sweet.
Stranger: Your girlfriend looks pretty pissed that you were hiding in her closet….
Stranger: with me.
You: HE FORCED ME TO DO IT!
You: IT WAS HIS IDEA!
Stranger: WHO IS HE?
You: He is you
Stranger: Who do you think your girlfriend is going to believe?
Stranger: YOU – the jealous boyfriend, or ME – the innocent bystander who doesn’t smell like FISH.
You: Me, the loyal, loving boyfriend…
Stranger: The loyal, loving boyfriend who blew a hole in her rooof….
You: Atleast I have a partner!
Stranger: How do you know I don’t?
Stranger: Have you been hiding in MY closet, too?
You: Perhaps? Maybe I have…
Stranger: YEAH. Well if you had you would know that I am very happily in fuck-buddy-dom with someone.
Stranger: SO HA.
You: Well… Atleast…
You: I’m not gay!
Stranger: Pffft. Gay guys don’t have periods.
Stranger: I don’t have to take a week out of the month where I can’t have sex.
You: ATLEAST WE CAN REPRODUCE!
Stranger: You can also have accidental pregnancies!
Stranger: I never have to pay for Plan B!
You: So how will your ADOPTED kids react when they have two fathers?
Stranger: They’ll be cool about it.
Stranger: Because they’ll be openminded.
Stranger: UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.
You: OH YEAH, WELL…
You: *Throws baseball bat at your knee*
You: HOW YOU LIKE THAT/
Stranger: Why am I even friends with you?!
You: I’d like to know too!
Stranger: Actually, that really doesn’t make sense at all.
Stranger: And where did your girlfriend go?
Stranger: Is she…climbing out the window?
You: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
You: STOP IT, DON’T LEAVE ME NOW!
Stranger: I WIN.
You: ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED?
Stranger: Pfft. Like you could kick my ass.
You: YES, I COULD!
Stranger: Could not!
Stranger: I HAVE A GUN, MOFO.
Stranger: And I’m leaving.
Stranger: And I’m going to get some cake.
You: Give me back my fucking gun!
You: *Pulls revolver out of back pocket*
Stranger: I’m leaving!
You: You’re not leaving!
Stranger: How many guns to you keep?!
You: NOW GIVE ME THE GUNS BACK!
Stranger: I’m going home.
You: DON’T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU!
Stranger: SHOOT ME.
Stranger: JUST DO IT
Stranger: YOU DON’T HAVE THE BALLS.
You: *fires gun into the air*
Just give me my guns back..
Just give me my guns back..
Stranger: NO. SHOOT ME.
You: I’ll tell you again…
You: Give me the guns back…
Stranger: I think you’re too much of a wittle pansy to actually shoot me
You: 3 Seconds…
Stranger: I’m just whistling away.
Stranger: Stacy’s Mom has got it goin ooooonnn….
You: 3! *Fires gun into your foot*
Stranger: DAMN IT.
Stranger: FUCK YOU.
You: GIVE ME THE GUNS BACK!
Stranger: I’m going to hobble to a hospital and then I’m going to get a handicapped parking pass.
Stranger: Because I’ve ALWAYS WANTED ONE.
You: YOU’RE NOT LEAVING!
Stranger: Why are you making me stay here?!
Stranger: Are you a rapist or something???
You: Drop the freaking gun…
Stranger: Won’t do it.
You: I WILL SHOOT YOU AGAIN!
Stranger: I’mma light up a cigarette and call the cops, okay?
You: DROP THAT FUCKING PHONE!
You: *Fires gun into your foot*
Stranger: Yeah. I’d like an ambulance. Some asshole with a gun shot me in the foot.
Stranger: And it looks like he’s threatening to do it again…
Stranger: Crazy mofo, I know right?
Stranger: Yeah….send that over pronto, okay?
Stranger: Thanks so much.
You: You piece of shit…
Stranger: How am I a piece of shit?
You: *Points gun at your forehead*
Stranger: Do you want a cigarette?
Stranger: We can have a heart to heart about your half-naked girlfriend that just crawled out of the window….
You: *Ignores you*
Stranger: Why are you ignoring me?
Stranger: You’re SUCH a kid….
You: FOR GODS SAKES, BOBBY, DON’T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU!
Stranger: MY NAME ISN’T BOBBY.
Stranger: Damn it!
Stranger: I was in a closet with you for three and a half hours and you don’t remember my name?!
You: NO, IN FACT, I COMPLETELY FORGOT!
Stranger: YOU SHIT.
You: What’s my name?
You: Shut up!
Stranger: Maybe we should just start over.
Stranger: I’ll introduce myself, and you’ll introduce yourself.
Stranger: Hello. I’m Devereaux Taylor. You may call me Dev.
Stranger: How are you, this fine evening?
You: *Continues to point gun at your forehead*
Stranger: Come on, introduce yourself.
Stranger: You’re impossible.
Stranger: Hey, man, I’ve got to go.
Stranger: (Like, honestly. My roommate just walked in to see me smoking on his bed and he wants to murder my ass.)
Stranger: Nice conversation, dude.
You: Ha, see ya, I’m gonna go save this somewhere
Stranger: Yeah, for sure.
Stranger: I think they have a log for good Omegle conversations, you should send it in.
Stranger: It’s pretty good. :)
You: Yeah, I will
Stranger: Nice meeting you.
Stranger: Have a fantastic life.
You: You too.
Stranger: I mean that in the least sarcastic way possible. :)
You: Bye bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Submitted by Thomas from USA