August 15th, 2011
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: i love you
You: Aww jeez. Thanks.
Stranger: you are welcome
You: But I’ve gotta say, I’m just not feeling you the same way.
You: I’m sorry.
You: I’m just not that into you.
Stranger: oh no
Stranger: bt our love is real
You: I just don’t feel it, darling.
You: Not anymore.
You: Our love is dead.
You: It has been for quite some time now.
Stranger: i get the house and the car
You: I get the dog.
You: And the couch.
You: And the Jello in the cupboard.
Stranger: the cat is mine
You: I hate that stupid cat. You can take it.
Stranger: and so is the joint bank account
You: I get half.
Stranger: naw dude
You: And I get your wedding ring so I can pawn it.
Stranger: i lost it
You: I’ve been sleeping with our banker for the past 6 months
You: And our accountant
You: And our mailman
You: And our butcher
You: And your brother
Stranger: OH NO
Stranger: NOT THE BUTCHER
Stranger: I’VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH HIM TOO
You: That lieing scum.
You: Told me I was the only one.
Stranger: He told me the same.
You: Darling, I’ve made a mistake
You: Take me back?
Stranger: Nope. House and car are MINE.
You: But but!
You: My heart is just an empty void without you :(
Stranger: Also, I’m IMing you from Hawaii, where the butcher and I are on our honeymoon.
You: That’s okay.
You: I’m in Iowa.
You: I married my yoga instructor.
You: She’s hot.
You: And super flexible.
You: So HA.
Stranger: I AM your yoga instructor.
You: That’s not possible.
Stranger: UNLESS YOU’VE BEEN TAKING YOGA FROM MY MOTHER
Stranger: OH GOD
You: God no.
You: I hate your mother.
Stranger: She loves you!
You: And her stupid 7 layer casserole.
You: Of course you’d love it. You have horrible taste.
You: I mean, look at your haircut.
Stranger: Obviously you do too. You’ve been sleeping with my BROTHER.
You: He’s a dead ringer for Johnny Depp.
You: After a few shots of tequila.
Stranger: Yeah, if Johnny Depp were balding at 25 and 120 pounds heavier.
You: TEQUILA MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.
Stranger: NOT MY FINE MOTOR SKILLS
You: How else do you explain my being able to put up with you for so long?
Stranger: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
You: TEQUILA MADE ME LOVE YOU
You: Tila Tequila, to be exact,
Stranger: I’M CARRYING YOUR BABY
You: She helped me work through my issues so that I was able to love again.
You: She’s a licensed therapist, you know.
Stranger: DID YOU NOT HEAR ME
You: I’m sorry, but that’s not possible.
You: I’m infertile.
You: It must be the butcher’s.
Stranger: OH NO I AM GOING TO HAVE A BUTCHER BABY
You: He’ll be born with a knife in his hand.
You: Be prepared for that.
Stranger: C-Section for me.
You: Oh, well then he can cut himself out. No need to involve doctors.
Stranger: Anesthesia plz
You: I’ll bring you some Vicodin. It’ll be okay.
You: This all would’ve never happened if you had just taken me back.
You: But now it’s too late.
You: I refuse to raise another man’s baby.
Stranger: I refuse to raise any babies. I hate them.
You: Shall I get the wire hanger?
Stranger: The baby will just cut it up with his knife.
You: We’ll have to use a sneak attack. Distract him somehow. And then BAM. Wire hanger.
Stranger: How do we do that?
You: Video games, probably.
You: Think we could fit an XBOX up there?
Stranger: A Wiimote would fit.
You: Well then we’d just have to hope he can see the tv.
You: Then we’ll get him.
You: No more baby.
You: I’m sorry darling, but Helga, my new wife, is calling me.
You: The yoga instructor.
Stranger: You married a VIKING?
You: Now now.
You: She’s not a viking.
You: But her father is a Nordic king.
You: So there are some pretty sweet perks.
You have disconnected.
Submitted by Morgan from USA