Fancy An Owl?
June 3rd, 2010
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: GREETINGS STRANGER.
Stranger: i have GOOD THINGS on SALE
You: Oooo
You: I have a surplus of capital
You: Show me these things
Stranger: an EXELLENT CHOICE!
Stranger: i have this… LIVE BABY OWL
Stranger: *produces owl from a bag*
Stranger: and also
Stranger: i have these.. SLOW LORIS
Stranger: that are trained to wear FANCY CLOTHES
You: Hmm..
You: The owl sounds rather appropriate
You: I have a baby rabbit
You: That needs to be eaten
You: And a baby owl would fill my needs to see that happen
You: Then maybe I can sick the owl on my sister
You: And see what becomes of the two in an epic human-owl fight
Stranger: the owl is perfect for ritual sacrifices, disposing of pests (such as this rabbit) and of course, for just plain looking at
You: Hmm
You: Does it come with buffing lotion?
You: I want it to sparkle
Stranger: dear god yes
You: I want all my friends to be like “Hey..why the fuck is that owl so shiny? What the fuck did you do to it? What the fuck man..”
Stranger: you think i would sell an owl without owl buffing lotion?
Stranger: do you take me for a fool sir?!
Stranger: ALL OWLS must be shiney
You: No, I apologize
You: It’s just
You: My last purchase of owl wasn’t so great
Stranger: do tell me what happened, for i can hunt down the vendor who wronged you so and either kill him of violate him sexually.
You: I arrived home to open the box and cut away the fresh-seal packaging only to find that I was sold a transformer made of used batteries
You: Sexual violation please
You: Then send me the recording
You: So I may sell it online as gay internet porn
You: I will not enjoy it, but I will profit from it
Stranger: MY GOD. i know just the bloke who would do such a thing
Stranger: CARNIGE BAXTER FEATHERING WALTHAMSTONE.
You: Then allow the sexual violation to begin!
Stranger: i come for him
You: Do as you please with him!
You: But remember
You: Record. Gay porn. Profit
Stranger: oh i would have recorded it anyway
Stranger: for.. my.. uh. personal records.
Stranger: yes
Stranger: yes thats a favorable excuse
You: Tis
You: But then again, one needs to be protected
You: And I hear if you catch any STDs, you can play the tape backwards and your STDs will go away
You: But if you have the herpes..you have to open up jars of peanutbutter and let them sit on the floor to trap your herpes inside
Stranger: pardon my lack of response, mine eyes are flooded over with tears from laughing so god damn hard. and of course, not that this is something to be jested about,
Stranger: for you see i have the jars open and prepared for any herpes that might arive
Stranger: OH THERES THE BASTARD NOW! CARNIGE! I SHALL FORCE MYSELF UPON YOU! HAVE AT THEE
You: Violate him!
You: Do it for me, and my used battery transformer!
You: It wasn’t even a popular transformer
You: He transformed from a robot, to a blender.
You: Quite useless
Stranger: *over the course of the next minute or so the kind vendor stranger violates carnigie baxter feathering walthamstone by not only raping him but inserting the kind gentlemen’s battery transformer into his rectal cavity. he then proceeds to fist the man until he blacks out and bleeds to death out his anus. the entire thing has been captured on film by SONY (R) digital recording devices
Stranger: well here you are my good sir
Stranger: i dare say it would have been better if i had the transformer in blender form, then turned it on whilst it was inside him.
You: Dolby digital? I demand good sound quality!
Stranger: But of course! only the best my good man
You: You sir, are a great person to do business with.
Stranger: As are you!
You: If we were in jail, I’d protect you in the showers.
You: Thank you kind sir for your business. And I do hope we run into each other again. I am Canadian, and will do my best to depart you with the warmest of British goodbyes.
Stranger: dear me no ones ever protected me in the showers before
You: Ahh, but I would
You: Do not worry
You: Your rectal cavity will remain dark and barren
You: And a one-way road.
Stranger: i dare say, that sounds smashingly good!
You: I must agree
Stranger: i do hope we run into each other again to do business once more
Stranger: if not twice, lest, three times!
Stranger: i shall bring more owls for our next business meeting
You: Thrice as some would say!
You: Ohh
You: I will be ready good sir
You: Toodles, and I wish you luck on your future travels
Stranger: and to you as well my good man! fare thee well
You: Ta-tahhh!
You have disconnected.
Submitted by B from Canada
(35 votes, score: 4.37)
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