Breakup
April 11th, 2010
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hey
Stranger: Oh no
Stranger: not you again
You: i thought you looked familiar
Stranger: You have some nerve coming here again
You: i only came back to get my belongings
Stranger: well
Stranger: too late, I already sold them
You: damn
You: what’s that smell?
Stranger: it’s.. nothing *shifty eyes*
You: come here……
You: closer…
Stranger: ok
You: you smell like cinnamon!
You: you bought a new fragrance
You: you forget about me!
Stranger: Yes
You: i meant ‘to forget about me’
Stranger: It’s called “Cinnamon Buns. from Jon Lugizioamo”
You: i knew he was a bad influence
Stranger: Well, I had to forget your odour mainly
Stranger: You smelt like wet farts and old ladies
You: it’s not my fault that i happen to work at a nursing home where many of the people don’t enjoy taco tuesdays
Stranger: Well, it’s too late to apologise I’m afraid
You: I know. but i want the dog
You: or did you sell that too?
Stranger: No
Stranger: We married last april
You: WHAT?!
Stranger: I truly love her, she’s the only one who understands me
You: This is not cool dude
You: i adopted her when her last boyfriend left her for a border collie
You: you know greyhounds don’t fair well with a broken heart
Stranger: I know the feeling
You: does that mean you’re paying for the vet bills?
Stranger: No
Stranger: You are. I tapped into your credit cards
You: how the hell did that happen?!
Stranger: Don’t ask how. I have connections
Stranger: I had to do things I’m not proud of
You: and marrying MY dog is something you’re not not proud of?
Stranger: I am very proud of it
Stranger: So is my family
Stranger: And my wife
You: family!?!!
You: how many kids?
Stranger: Yes.
Stranger: I’ve had about 2 hybrid kids with my Dog-Wife now
Stranger: Two Twins, both aged 5 months, Cindy and JoJo
You: i guess she really is man’s best friend…..with benefits
Stranger: Damn straight
Stranger: and the sex is fiine
You: what position?
Stranger: missionary
You: i knew it! she would always lie on her back as she slept
You: should have seen this coming
Stranger: So what are you doing with your life now
Stranger: Still living in your mum’s basement
You: yeah, i am. although we used to be roommates, until you ate all my damn nachos
You: i’m still proud of my decision to move back home based only on the fact that you ate my food
You: and you blamed it on me
Stranger: Not my fault I have a nacho fetish
You: i can’t believe i fed your addiction
You: this is why everytime the show “intervention” was on, you’d throw the remote at the television
You: it all makes sense now
Stranger: I hate that show
You: i can tell
You: if the walls could talk
You: …
You: they’d choose not to because you’re always so angry and negative
Stranger: I’m so angry because I forget to take my hit of ectasy in the morning
You: now you’re a drug addict too!?
You: man, you’ve changed since last week
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: I was really high yesterday and I think I ran over some guy
You: THAT WAS YOU!?
Stranger: So I buried him in the front yard
Stranger: of your house
You: i saw that! i didn’t know what was going on
You: i just thought it was a really intense game of cops and robbers
Stranger: Shit, I should have ran you down too
Stranger: Witnesses are bad
You: you could practically just live my life since you’ve stolen my credit card info and everything
Stranger: I sort of did
Stranger: Uhh. Not sure how to say this but…
You: but….?
Stranger: If a russian bride shows up at your doorstep in the next few days, it was just me using your credit card
You: MAN! you know i live in my mom’s basement! she’s going to freak out
Stranger: Oops
Stranger: I kinda forgot about that when I was ordering
You: is she at least pretty? this might be a chance for me to start a new life
Stranger: …maybe
Stranger: She’s 85
Stranger: So unless you’re into that
You: please Dear God, don’t let her have wet farts….
Stranger: No
Stranger: She is a hermaphrodite though
You: at this point, i’ll take anything
Stranger: so unless you’re into THAT
You: i’m not into that necessarily.
Stranger: oh, you will be
You: but getting some is better than getting none i guess
Stranger: Too right
Stranger: You should try going out with a dog though
Stranger: I hear pitbulls are pretty happening at the moment
You: but i always wanted a jack russell terrier
Stranger: I hear most of them are shallow
You: of course. i mean, especially since the whole Wishbone show
You: all terriers think they’re badasses
Stranger: THey are
You: how about a Russian dog?
You: we should turn that into a business
You: it’s pretty lucrative
Stranger: I already run a business like that actually
Stranger: It’s doing pretty good
You: can i join in? i mean, that’s the least you can do after stealing my credit cards, my dog and selling my stuff
Stranger: nope
You: damn
You: i’m trying here man
Stranger: Try harder
Stranger: Even though it will get you nowhere
You: *unzips outer skin*
You: I DON’T NEED TO TRY YOU LOWLY HUMAN!!!!
Stranger: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!
You: IT IS YOU WHO HAS NOT BEEN TRYING HARD ENOUGH!
Stranger: HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THE ZIPPER ON YOUR FORHEAD THAT WHOLE TIME
You: YOU SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT I WAS NOT OF THIS PLANET
You: TO YOU I SMELL LIKE WET FARTS AND OLD PEOPLE BUT THAT IT THE NATURAL AROMA OF MY HOME GALAXY
You: IT IS THE MOST SOUGHT AFTER FRAGRANCE ON THE PLANET OF WETFARTSLANDIA
Stranger: Hang on….
Stranger: *unzips outer skin*
Stranger: I come from wetfartslandia as well!
You: BROTHER!?!?!? I haven’t seen you in milennia!
Stranger: …
Stranger: Glorback!?
Stranger: Wow!
Stranger: How you doing man!
You: i’m doing just fine, Grogatron!
Stranger: Hows your wife, Gloopgerackaggack going?
You: she is doing very well. we just had our 15th child.
Stranger: Congratulations
You: yes, he is named Child 15
You: it makes it easier on us
Stranger: I see
You: Anyway, I must be going now. Gloopgerackaggack sent me to buy some flubber but i just got side-tracked here on this lousy yet interesting planet
You: family reunion in 5 eons! be there!
Stranger: Will do!
You: Take care my good brother!
Stranger: And you!
You: *beamed up into spacecraft and flies away*
Stranger: Idiot
Stranger: *unzips outer skin again*
Stranger: *evil laugh*
You have disconnected.
Submitted by Vince from USA
(47 votes, score: 4.45)
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