Breakup – The Other Perspective
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Oh no
You: not you again
Stranger: i thought you looked familiar
You: You have some nerve coming here again
Stranger: i only came back to get my belongings
You: too late, I already sold them
Stranger: what’s that smell?
You: it’s.. nothing *shifty eyes*
Stranger: come here……
Stranger: you smell like cinnamon!
Stranger: you bought a new fragrance
Stranger: you forget about me!
You: It’s called “Cinnamon Buns. from Jon Lugizioamo”
Stranger: i meant ‘to forget about me’
Stranger: i knew he was a bad influence
You: Well, I had to forget your odour mainly
You: You smelt like wet farts and old ladies
Stranger: it’s not my fault that i happen to work at a nursing home where many of the people don’t enjoy taco tuesdays
You: Well, it’s too late to apologise I’m afraid
Stranger: I know. but i want the dog
Stranger: or did you sell that too?
You: We married last april
You: I truly love her, she’s the only one who understands me
Stranger: This is not cool dude
Stranger: i adopted her when her last boyfriend left her for a border collie
Stranger: you know greyhounds don’t fair well with a broken heart
You: I know the feeling
Stranger: does that mean you’re paying for the vet bills?
You: You are. I tapped into your credit cards
Stranger: how the hell did that happen?!
You: Don’t ask how. I have connections
You: I had to do things I’m not proud of
Stranger: and marrying MY dog is something you’re not not proud of?
You: I am very proud of it
You: So is my family
You: And my wife
Stranger: how many kids?
You: I’ve had about 2 hybrid kids with my Dog-Wife now
You: Two Twins, both aged 5 months, Cindy and JoJo
Stranger: i guess she really is man’s best friend…..with benefits
You: Damn straight
You: and the sex is fiine
Stranger: what position?
Stranger: i knew it! she would always lie on her back as she slept
Stranger: should have seen this coming
You: So what are you doing with your life now
You: Still living in your mum’s basement
Stranger: yeah, i am. although we used to be roommates, until you ate all my damn nachos
Stranger: i’m still proud of my decision to move back home based only on the fact that you ate my food
Stranger: and you blamed it on me
You: Not my fault I have a nacho fetish
Stranger: i can’t believe i fed your addiction
Stranger: this is why everytime the show “intervention” was on, you’d throw the remote at the television
Stranger: it all makes sense now
You: I hate that show
Stranger: i can tell
Stranger: if the walls could talk
Stranger: they’d choose not to because you’re always so angry and negative
You: I’m so angry because I forget to take my hit of ectasy in the morning
Stranger: now you’re a drug addict too!?
Stranger: man, you’ve changed since last week
You: I was really high yesterday and I think I ran over some guy
Stranger: THAT WAS YOU!?
You: So I buried him in the front yard
You: of your house
Stranger: i saw that! i didn’t know what was going on
You: Shit, I should have ran you down too
Stranger: i just thought it was a really intense game of cops and robbers
You: Witnesses are bad
Stranger: you could practically just live my life since you’ve stolen my credit card info and everything
You: I sort of did
You: Uhh. Not sure how to say this but…
You: If a russian bride shows up at your doorstep in the next few days, it was just me using your credit card
Stranger: MAN! you know i live in my mom’s basement! she’s going to freak out
You: I kinda forgot about that when I was ordering
Stranger: is she at least pretty? this might be a chance for me to start a new life
You: She’s 85
You: So unless you’re into that
Stranger: please Dear God, don’t let her have wet farts….
You: She is a hermaphrodite though
Stranger: at this point, i’ll take anything
You: so unless you’re into THAT
Stranger: i’m not into that necessarily.
You: oh, you will be
Stranger: but getting some is better than getting none i guess
You: Too right
You: You should try going out with a dog though
You: I hear pitbulls are pretty happening at the moment
Stranger: but i always wanted a jack russell terrier
You: I hear most of them are shallow
Stranger: of course. i mean, especially since the whole Wishbone show
Stranger: all terriers think they’re badasses
You: THey are
Stranger: how about a Russian dog?
Stranger: we should turn that into a business
Stranger: it’s pretty lucrative
You: I already run a business like that actually
You: It’s doing pretty good
Stranger: can i join in? i mean, that’s the least you can do after stealing my credit cards, my dog and selling my stuff
Stranger: i’m trying here man
You: Try harder
You: Even though it will get you nowhere
Stranger: *unzips outer skin*
Stranger: I DON’T NEED TO TRY YOU LOWLY HUMAN!!!!
You: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!
Stranger: IT IS YOU WHO HAS NOT BEEN TRYING HARD ENOUGH!
You: HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THE ZIPPER ON YOUR FORHEAD THAT WHOLE TIME
Stranger: YOU SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT I WAS NOT OF THIS PLANET
Stranger: TO YOU I SMELL LIKE WET FARTS AND OLD PEOPLE BUT THAT IT THE NATURAL AROMA OF MY HOME GALAXY
Stranger: IT IS THE MOST SOUGHT AFTER FRAGRANCE ON THE PLANET OF WETFARTSLANDIA
You: Hang on….
You: *unzips outer skin*
You: I come from wetfartslandia as well!
Stranger: BROTHER!?!?!? I haven’t seen you in milennia!
You: How you doing man!
Stranger: i’m doing just fine, Grogatron!
You: Hows your wife, Gloopgerackaggack going?
Stranger: she is doing very well. we just had our 15th child.
Stranger: yes, he is named Child 15
Stranger: it makes it easier on us
You: I see
Stranger: Anyway, I must be going now. Gloopgerackaggack sent me to buy some flubber but i just got side-tracked here on this lousy yet interesting planet
Stranger: family reunion in 5 eons! be there!
You: Will do!
Stranger: Take care my good brother!
You: And you!
Stranger: *beamed up into spacecraft and flies away*
You: *unzips outer skin again*
You: *evil laugh*
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Submitted by Max from Australia