Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: If you’re a troll I will kill you
Stranger: I’m not a troll
You: I’ve got a little zombie problem.
You: Yeah, they’re surrounding my house.
Stranger: There’s no such thing as a little zombie problem you know.
You: I was trying not to sound insane though.
Stranger: What do you plan to do about it?
You: I am not sure. I know that nothing kills them though, so I can’t figure out how to fight them.
Stranger: Well, actually, if you can destroy their brain, then they die, effectively.
Stranger: Because then they can’t do anything.
You: Oh. Will a shotgun work for that?
You: Problem also is I only have one shotgun and there’s got to be 20 of them
Stranger: Well, do you have 20 shotgun shells?
You: Probably, I’ve stocked up in case this happened, but if I can kill one of them 19 more will jump on me
Stranger: But you could use a shoot and scoot tactic.
Stranger: Open a window, take a shot, close it, move fast to another window.
You: Thats a good idea, will be difficult since I’m in a one story house, but it’s the best plan I’ve got.
Stranger: Second floor windows work best.
Stranger: Have the zombies displayed signs of intelligence?
Stranger: If so, they’re about 10x more dangerous.
You: I am not sure if this necessarily means they are intelligent but they’re kind of doing a cooperative style thing, where they are all working together to make sure I can’t get out….
You: Usually cooperation = intelligence
Stranger: Have they attemped to breach the integrity of the house yet?
Stranger: Or are they just standing outside?
You: They were trying to breach, it wasn’t working, so now they’re just waiting for me to come out. They seem to know that I can’t stay here forever. I think if I start shooting them they will become hostile again.
You: And they might succeed on getting inside.
Stranger: How far are you from Cambridge, MA?
Stranger: over 1000 miles?
You: Yeah, I’m in WA state
You: I’m being sarcastic.
You: I thought you were going to offer to help me.
You: Its okay I think I can do this.
Stranger: You think I’d voluntarilly face zombies?
You: …….. okay, maybe not, but not even to save a damsel in distress??
Stranger: Depends on the damsel.
Stranger: And how much ammo for my minigun I’ve got.
You: Well I am not sure what I can do about the damsel part but I’ll reimburse you fully (with interest) if you buy a shitload of ammo and shoot them from the trees outside my house
Stranger: I think a better plan would be to call the national gaurd.
Stranger: They’ve got more guns than I do.
You: They said to take my meds.
You: I know. You’re the only person in the world who believes me.
Stranger: I’ll see what I can do.
Stranger: I’ll need a ticket on a plane that will let me bring a minigun.
Stranger: Mounted on a truck.
You: You want to bring your truck through plane? Why not just drive it?
Stranger: So it would need to be something like a C-130
Stranger: By the time I get there by road the zombies will have overrun your whole town,
Stranger: and I don’t have that many bullets.
You: OH FUCK THEY’RE BANGING ON THE WALLS AGAIN
You: Okay, hopefully you can get here as soon as possible.
You: For right now… it’s zombie killing time.
Stranger: Ok, are you on a laptop?
Stranger: I can talk you through this.
You: That would be great.
Stranger: Find a room with two entrances, but one inaccesible, so it’s easy to defend and escape.
Stranger: Is there such a room?
You: I am not sure I understand what you mean.
Stranger: Like a second story bedroom with a window and a door.
Stranger: Shoot the zombies as the enter through the door.
Stranger: Escape from the window if necessary.
You: Oh well fuck thats a great idea but I live in one story.
You: They will get me frombehind
Stranger: Then find a room with just one entrance.
Stranger: Retreat will not be possible.
Stranger: But it’s better than being flanked.
Stranger: Assuming you have plenty of ammo
You: You know, I don’t know if I can do this.
Stranger: How large is the magazine in your shotgun?
You: I know shit about guns.
Stranger: How many shots before you need to reload?
Stranger: Ok, not ideal, but it will have to do.
You: I’m in the living room.
Stranger: How many doors?
You: There is a door in front of me, like 5 windows around the wall, and a fireplace.
You: It connects to a kitchen, which has a backdoor.
Stranger: Is there a windowless bathroom?
You: Yes there is, it’s down in the basement, do you know if thats safe?
Stranger: But that’s the bet I’d make.
You: And I want windowless because then they can’t get me from behind, right?
Stranger: Oh, but first, a more important question:
Stranger: Do you have a car in a gargae?
You: No, it’s out in my driveway.
Stranger: How long a run from the door to the car?
You: It’s pretty short, you just go on a little path and you’re there.
You: But long enough for zombies to kill me I think….
Stranger: And are there 3 or fewer zombies that could intercept you on that path?
You: There are probably 10 out front.
You: I wonder if I could create a diversion somehow??
Stranger: Do you have a propane tank out back?
You: Like, would that be on a grill or something?
Stranger: If so, you could shoot it, but first, plan out what you will do next.
Stranger: That would be a small one.
Stranger: Ideally it would be providing heating fuel to your house.
Stranger: Or even better, your neighbor’s house.
Stranger: so it would be big.
You: I honestly can’t think of where that would be. The furnace is in the basement though, maybe it’s down there.
Stranger: But that would destroy your house.
Stranger: and that would be bad.
Stranger: you want the explosion to happen at a distance.
Stranger: Another diversion idea:
Stranger: Fire off some shots, and incidently kill some zombies, but the neighbors might get curious
Stranger: and come outside.
Stranger: diverting the zombies
Stranger: allowing you a chance at your car
You: That sounds very….. er, dangerous.
You: Do you know how to make a bomb? I could make a bomb, throw it out back, and then when they all run back there I could go to the car…
Stranger: No, but I think the anarchist’s handbook is avaliable online.
You: that would be good. Of course, the banging is getting more insistent, so I really need a plan for right now. I might just do the rushing thing.
You: If I’m gonna die anyhow, I might as well at least try not to…
You: thank you for your help.
You: I will put in a good word for you in heaven.
Stranger: thanks, I’d appreciate that.
You: Okay. I am going to leave now.
Stranger: Remember, make every shot a headshot.
Stranger: Nothing else is effective.
You: Here’s to zombie-killing.
Stranger: THIS IS SPARTA!!!
(34 votes, score: 4.79)
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(9 votes, score: 3.44)