ASS – Lvl 2 Warrior
September 22nd, 2010
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You are in a long hallway. There is a bright light in front of you. What do you do?
Stranger: pull out my laptop and start watching a movie
You: You don’t have any signal.
Stranger: that’s why it’s on the hard drive…
You: Your battery dies after a few hours.
Stranger: damn, well at least i finished mah movie
You: You are tired.
Stranger: I think I need a nap
You: You take a nap.
You: You are now asleep.
Stranger: Mmm…sexy dreams.
You: You begin to dream. You see a broken wine bottle and a stone staircase. Is this the future?
Stranger: nah, I got drunk and fell down the stairs last week
You: You roll over in your sleep. You fall through a trap door. You land on a large, soft pile of hay.
You: It is dark here.
Stranger: Yep it’s dark. I’m still dreaming aren’t I?
You: You hear a soft growl.
Stranger: BUTTSECKS!
You: You attempt to perform UNSPEAKABLE ACTS on the PERFECTLY HARMLESS CAT nearby.
You: You slay PERFECTLY HARMLESS CAT.
You: You gain 20 experience.
Stranger: Nice.
You: 20/100 EXP.
Stranger: You’re Randall Munroe aren’t you?
You: You ask the PERFECTLY HARMLESS CAT corpse if it is Randall Munroe.
You: It doesn’t answer.
You: It’s dead.
Stranger: Well, at least dinner’s taken care of.
You: You are out of FLINT AND TINDER!
Stranger: Damn. Well there’s that box of throw-snaps I brought with me. And all that hay. Hmm…better not light the whole—OH CRAP!
You: The hay catches fire. You back away.
You: The PERFECTLY HARMLESS CAT corpse is now cooked.
Stranger: Better grab it and skedaddle…fire hot.
You: You pick up the cooked PERFECTLY HARMLESS CAT corpse.
Stranger: Right. Which way out…?
You: You examine the room. You see a LIGHT WOODEN DOOR to your left.
Stranger: Is that all I see? I’m a little light-headed you know. It’s a rational question.
You: You see three blank walls, a wall with a LIGHT WOODEN DOOR, and a burning pile of hay. The ceiling and floor are blank.
Stranger: Hmm…so much for that trap door I fell through. Well, onward through the light wooden door.
You: It’s stuck.
Stranger: Well, being a light wooden door, that rapidly spreading fire should take care of it.
You: The fire burns out as the hay smolders to ashes. The LIGHT WOODEN DOOR is still stuck.
You: It is dark here again.
Stranger: Meh. Kick the door.
You: You shatter the door with a mighty kick. You appear to be in another hallway.
You: There is a MASSIVE WOODEN DOOR at the end.
Stranger: There a torch around? You know, the kind that come with flint and tinder in the base for convenient ignition?
You: You pull the MEDIUM TORCH off the wall.
You: You are now wielding MEDIUM TORCH.
Stranger: Nice. Light it. Oh and stick that flint and tinder in my pocket. My hands are full of torch. What? I like to use both hands!
You: You aquire FLINT AND TINDER. You approach the MASSIVE WOODEN DOOR.
Stranger: Guess I’ll try and open it…
You: It slowly creaks open. You appear to be in a RUINED CATHEDRAL. It is AFTERNOON outside.
Stranger: Cathedral. Hmm. This one of those medieval kinds of cathedrals or the post-apocalyptic vegas drive through kind?
You: (medieval)
You: You sense a presense….
Stranger: Well when I feel presences I wave torches around wildly.
You: You are attacked by a GHOST MOTH! You hit the moth with your MEDIUM TORCH.
You: It appears to be slightly damaged.
You: It buffets you with its wings! -10 HP
You: 90/100 HP
Stranger: Whack it again with the torch.
You: You hit the moth with your MEDIUM TORCH.
You: It appears to be heavily damaged.
You: It buffets you with its wings! -8 HP
You: 82/100 HP
You: You are dazed.
Stranger: You mean more dazed than I was about being dropped into some mythical land of doors and ghost insects?
You: (Dazed – You move slower and are more likely to miss)
Stranger: Ah. Right. Well, um, try whacking the moth again.
You: You slay the GHOST MOTH.
You: You gain 50 experience!
You: 70/100 EXP
You: You find a MOTH WING.
Stranger: Great. A moth wing. Useful. Well, I’m not dazed anymore right? In those games I play you always lose status effects like that when you win the battle…
You: You are no longer dazed. You regenerate a little health. +2HP
You: 84/100 HP
Stranger: Right. Guess I’ll poke around this cathedral.
You: You find a SMALL TREASURE CHEST.
Stranger: What’s in it?
You: You open the chest.
You: You find a LIGHT HEALING POTION and a RUSTY SHORT SWORD.
Stranger: Equip the hell out of that sword!
You: You regenerate a little health. +4 HP
You: 88/100 HP
You: You are now wielding the RUSTY SHORT SWORD.
Stranger: Ok now, find something to kill.
You: You look around.
You: You see a LARGE BROKEN DOOR. It probably leads outside.
Stranger: Yeah alright. Through the door.
You: You emerge in a meadow. There is a forest to the north, a road to the south, a cathedral to the west, and a graveyard to the east.
Stranger: Oh well, the graveyard seems a likely place to find something nasty. Not necessarily alive but seeing as I just killed a ghost moth I’m guessing I’ll find something undead at least.
You: You are in the graveyard. Nothing is happening. (It’s still afternoon.)
You: It is a dead end.
Stranger: Okay okay, I can take a hint.
Stranger: That was a black cat wasn’t it?
Stranger: You know the one I baked?
You: You examine you cooked PERFECTLY HARMLESS CAT corpse.
You: It was once a gray cat.
You: Now it is black.
Stranger: Damn. That would get me twilight at best.
Stranger: Right, back out to the meadow then to the forest.
You: You regenerate the rest of your health.
You: 100/100 HP.
You: You enter the DARK FOREST.
You: You see a path.
Stranger: Walk the path.
You: You walk down the path.
You: You hear the leaves rustling to the right.
Stranger: Stab! Stab!
You: You ambush the DIRE RAT!
You: You hit the rat.
You: It appears slightly injured.
You: You hit the rat.
You: It appears moderately injured,
You: The rat bites you. -7 HP
You: 93/100 HP
Stranger: Alright, this time chop!
You: You slash at the rat.
You: It appears heavily injured,
You: The rat becomes enraged!
You: It tackles you!
You: -13 HP
You: 80/100 HP
Stranger: Dangle the cat in it’s face.
You: You hit the rat with the cooked corpse. It eats your cooked corpse.
You: The rat is enraged!
Stranger: Well, I guess that wasn’t my best idea. Hit it more.
You: You slay the DIRE RAT!
You: You gain 40 experience (LEVEL UP!)
You: 10/200 EXP
You: Level 2!
Stranger: Nice.
You: + 3 Strength!
+ 10 HP!
+ 10 HP!
You: You find 23 Gold coins.
You: 23/5000 Gold!
Stranger: The rat had money?
You: (It’s and RPG, sure.)
You: You have full health from leveling up!
You: 110/110 HP
Stranger: Well, I hate to say this but this is turning into a long-ass rpg
You: (Yeah. No one else stayed this long.)
Stranger: I figured.
Stranger: Right, well, if you post this somewhere omit the first few of my responses. I was being a dick of a troll.
You: (Lol. Okay. :D)
Stranger: Except the part about the cat
Stranger: That was hilarious.
You: (Sure thing. That was awesome.)
You: (UNSPEAKABLE ACTS!)
Stranger: Right, so, I hit level 2. That’s gotta be the top 10 right? I get to enter my name?
You: (Sure!)
Stranger: Okay, 3 characters I believe is the standard…
Stranger: A
Stranger: S
Stranger: S
Stranger: Yeah, I’m that guy
You: (ASS – Lvl 2 Warrior. 0 Sacred Urns toppled, 1 chest opened, 1 door kicked down)
Stranger: Nice, suck it other guys!
Stranger: Right well you have a grand old time.
You: GAME OVER!
You: (Farewell, good sir!)
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Submitted by Craig from USA
(77 votes, score: 4.66)
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I would have played for days…
Me too, Me too. o.O
yeaaah how come i never get that kinda chat? O,0
The whole thing was reminiscent of MS Paint Adventures, but at “0 Sacred Urns toppled”, I knew this was a Problem Sleuth fan. :)
time to start chatting here for days on end with hopes of running into a dungeon master..